The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
