Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
she told me i tasted like america
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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