We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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