U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
