My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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