Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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