note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
