i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
