On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
