so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
