i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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