exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
