new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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