I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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