She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
