Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Randomize
