i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.