I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.