How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
if only i could text you this smell
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
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Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
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You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I can't trust your balls anymore.