the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
