The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
