masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
