Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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