can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
