The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
zippers are such a cool invention
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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