My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
