when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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