im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
