I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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