my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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