Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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