If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
