You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize