Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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