What tipped you off? The sombrero?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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