hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
