My room smells like vodka and shame
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
