new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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