My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
