on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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