my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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