just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
how does that bad decision feel?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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