She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
