The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize