porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
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I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
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My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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