I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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