I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
