I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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