Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
