i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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