you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
