The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
