I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Floor bacon is actually really good
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize