Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Success! We fucked roommates!
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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