He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
