dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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