i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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