How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
