that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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